my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Help. Why am I so naked?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
