I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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