It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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