Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
