Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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