New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
