Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
