I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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