I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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