we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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