mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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