id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
