Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
