mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
