She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
