Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
