I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
pray to the hookup gods
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
