I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
