Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
