you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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