My sheets look like a crime scene.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
