how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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