Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
