a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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