I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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