i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
