I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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