my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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