Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
