wanna go halves on a baby?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
