The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
