Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
