I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My vagina just clenched in fear
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
