After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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