Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
