I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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