i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
