well I can't set my house on fire every night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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