omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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