mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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