No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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