I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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