i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
