I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
