Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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