I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
