My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
