Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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