Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
