girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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