...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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