There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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