Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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